The Burglar and the Ole' Maid
Well a burglar came to an old maid’s house,
he’d never been there before,
He found the key right under the mat,
so he walked right through the door.
The night was right, the stars shone out,
and the moon was shinning bright,
So he rummaged through her valuables,
taking everything in sight.

But he made a great big mistake...

At ten pass three the old maid came in,
“I’m so tired” she said.
Then the burglar slithered like a snake,
under the old maid’s bed.
He lay there quietly as a mouse,
afraid to even breathe,
But the things that he saw next,
were hard for him to believe.

The old maid came in to the very room,
and to the burglar man’s shock,
She must have weighed 300 pounds,
and her toes stuck out of her socks.
Then to make matters a whole lot worse,
as in horror he did stare,
Her knees looked liked bowling balls,
and her legs were covered in hair.

The old maid sat down at her mirror,
as he gasped from under the bed,
She took out her teeth, her ole glass eyes,
and the hair right off her head.
Then she wiped the cream from off her face,
it looked like a hunk of cheese,
Now the burglar shook from head to foot,
‘cause he knew he had to sneeze.

Asch Choo!!!

Well the sneeze was a roar, 
that shook the floor,
and knocked the bedstead down,
Then the old maid jumped as quickly as a flash,
into her best night gown.
Then she grabbed her teeth,
and then she grabbed her wig,
and grabbed her 45,

She shouted; 
"if there’s a burglar underneath my bed,
he’ll never come out alive!”

Then she reached down under the bed,
and grabbed the burglar by the hair,
She gave him a jerk that made him bald,
and pulled him out of there.
Then she took the burglar by his throat
and put the gun to his head,

She said; 
“Ole boy you’re gon’na marry me,
or in ten seconds you’ll be dead!”

Well he thought and thought,
and thought and thought,
he didn’t want to die as yet,
Then he thought and thought,
and thought and thought,
and he really begin to sweat;
He looked at her wig,
he looked at her teeth,
and he looked at that ole glass eye,

And he shouted;
“Ole maid for God sake shoot,
for I think I would rather die!

Well he gone I’m sure,
but I don’t know where he’s gone,
Up above or down below,
I’m now through singing this song!

Note: When I was a small boy I remember my dad singing a version of this song. I could not fin the song or the writer, so I wrote my own version. 
© Loyd C. Taylor
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